“I thought the date went well. Then she disappeared. I don’t get it.” Weeks ago, I was talking to a friend who had been on a date with a girl he really liked. He said he thought things had gone wonderfully. However, after the date, this girl ghosted him for apparently no reason. These things happen. Oftentimes two people are simply not a good match — so they stop dating. At other times, we see something in the other person we find unattractive, we don’t see relationship potential, and our instinct to run kicks in. What follows are things that might make you annoying or even unattractive to others – that magnetic people always avoid instead.
Talking Over Others Makes You Unattractive
My friend Manuela once went on a date with a guy, Dario, who wouldn’t let her talk. She described the date as exhausting. He needed to talk so much that she had the impression he hadn’t talked with someone for months. For example, she was excited about her upcoming trip to Paris and was about to tell him about her plans, “I’m going to Paris with a friend next week and…” but he cut her before she could even finish the sentence, “Oh, I’ve been there twice. It’s an amazing city. The first time I’ve been there, I visited many museums.” And then he went on talking about his experience for ten minutes. Also, she mentioned she was reading a book, “I’m reading an interesting book called…” and he cut her before she could even say the title, “I love reading. Right now, I’m reading Angels and Demons.” Then he went on talking about the book for half an hour. As Temma Ehrenfeld mentions in an article published in Psychology Today, some interruptions can be acceptable. For example, you may be genuinely enthusiastic about what someone is saying or have an important detail to add. However, in most cases, consistently interrupting and talking over others is rude – and highly unattractive.
How to avoid this, in a nutshell
Never give the impression you haven’t talked with someone for ages. Let the other person talk too and be genuinely interested in what they have to say. Learn to enjoy talking about the other person as well.
Talking About How “Attractive” You Are to “Anyone”
“In my workplace, many female colleagues find me attractive. The other day I had to decline the invitation from an attractive coworker because I had already made plans with you.” This is what my friend Francesca had to listen to one day she went for a coffee with a guy she was dating. She found his behavior arrogant and a bit narcissistic as well — which was a total turn off. That was their last date. As Richard B. Joelson DSW, LCSW explains in an article published in Psychology Today, we tend to think of people who boast as arrogant and insecure. And insecurity usually makes people unattractive.
How to avoid this, in a nutshell
If you try to convince someone you are attractive, you might come off as insecure for the simple fact you are trying too hard to impress them. If you are attractive, there’s no need to say it. In fact, the less you say about it, the more confident you will appear.
Complaining About Your Ex
This might sound obvious. Yet, many people don’t get it. My friend Ana once went on a date with a guy who spent 80% of the time talking about his ex. During the whole date, she couldn’t wait to go back home. She felt exhausted. She felt her date used her as a therapist rather than trying to get to know her. As Kristen Fuller, M.D. explains in an article published in Psychology Today, when you’re getting to know someone, you should focus on having fun and understand them— not using them as a therapist. Talking all the time about your ex with someone you like or are dating may not be the best choice. It makes you unattractive.
How to avoid this, in a nutshell
Avoid the ex topic, at least when you just met someone you like, or during the first months of dating. If the other person asks you, fine, go for it. However, keep it short; there’s no need to explain all the details of your last break up.
Comparing Yourself to Others and Pointing Out Your Own Defects
Years ago a good friend of mine, Antonio, went on a date with a girl he met at a party, Eleonora. While they were having dinner, she told him she felt too fat and wanted to lose weight since she was dating him and didn’t want to lose him. Then she started to compare herself to other good-looking ladies in the room. And she started to point out all her own physical defects — that my friend hadn’t even noticed. This is what he told me the day after the date: “I really liked her before having dinner with her, but then, after our date, I felt I wasn’t attracted to her anymore, and I couldn’t quite explain how that shift took place.” To give you another example, there’s a funny scene from the American sitcom Friends, in which Rachel, one of the main characters, goes on a blind date with a peculiar man, Steve. During their date, he can’t help but talk about his insecurities and compare himself to successful, good-looking men. We all have our insecurities. And we all tend to compare ourselves to other people. It’s normal. However, there will always be someone smarter, more beautiful, and more charming than us. When it comes to attraction, comparing ourselves to others is not only a waste of time, but it can also be detrimental to how someone perceives us — especially if we do it in front of someone we like and who hasn’t even noticed our defects. As Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy”.
How to avoid this, in a nutshell
As explained in an article published in Psychology Today, to stop comparing yourself to others you can follow some simple steps. Become aware of, and avoid your triggers. Start noticing the situations that cause you to play the comparison game. Avoid using other people’s outward appearance to judge the reality of their life. Be grateful for the good things you have in your life. Focus on your strengths.
Being Confrontational or Not Keeping Your Emotions in Check
Being confrontational, for example, by starting an argument with someone you just started dating, is probably one of the worst things you can do. I don’t know about you, but I find it kills attractiveness. Always. “You’re five minutes late. I expected some more respect as this is our first date.” My friend John once went on a date with a lady who started an argument as soon as they met because he arrived a few minutes late (due to a car accident that was blocking the traffic). They had a nice first date, but then there was no second date. My friend John hates drama, and he told me that night he felt “attacked.” Emotions are a vital part of our everyday lives. However, if you are not able to regulate those emotions, that might affect how the people around you perceive you and make you unattractive.
How to avoid this, in a nutshell
Chill. If someone doesn’t respect you — for example, they’re thirty minutes late on a date or stare at other people — don’t go on another date with them, but don’t try to argue with someone for being five minutes late. It’s not worth it. Being relaxed and having your emotions under control instead, increases attractiveness. It’s how magnetic people are.
Bragging About Your Achievements and Status
This goes hand in hand with the previous one, and according to Whitbourne, it’s often a sign of insecurity. “I am the marketing director for the EMEA region in a Fortune 100 company. Everyone respects me, obviously.” “I paid my Mercedes €40,000. You know, I can afford it.” “One day, we can go to New York together. We can stay in my penthouse in Manhattan.” This happened to Kara, a friend of mine. She went on a date with a guy with a good status and who had achieved a lot in his professional life. However, the way he bragged about his status and achievements all the time was a huge turn-off for her. It screamed insecurity. He had this need to impress her that made her run for the hills.
How to avoid this, in a nutshell
Let go of the need to impress because when you try too hard to make others like you, you either turn off your date or attract people who are only interested in your status and money. Boasting won’t help you make a great first impression. In fact, it might make you unattractive.
Lack of Passion
According to psychologist Greg Kushnick, one of the most attractive qualities in people is their passion for what they do — while a lack of it, or a lack of goals in your life, can make you unattractive. “What are your passions and life goals?” “I don’t know. Sometimes I watch Netflix and chill or post stuff on Facebook. Oh, and I also like to go shopping. In the future, I want to have a huge wardrobe like Kim Kardashian and a cute dog. And I want to find my twin flame so we will finally complete each other.” My friend Jim recently went on a date with a girl who basically didn’t do anything in her life. She didn’t study; she didn’t work. What turned Jim off was she didn’t have any hobbies, passions, or life goals — apart from the big wardrobe and the cute dog. It felt like she didn’t have a life and was waiting for someone to make her feel complete.
How to avoid this, in a nutshell
If you haven’t found your passion yet, it’s fine. Try new things, learn a new language, play an instrument, visit places, meet new people, you name it. When someone asks you, talk about what makes you tick, share your joy of living.
Treating Service Staff Poorly
Treating service staff poorly is not only a clear sign of insecurity but also one of the worst things you can do on a date or in front of someone you like. In fact, as Ayodeji Awosika mentioned in one of his articles, it says a lot about you. “I don’t like this soup. I won’t pay for it. Why don’t you eat it yourself?” Giorgia, a friend from high school, once witnessed how her date was treating a waiter — on their first date. She told me she felt embarrassed and couldn’t wait to go home. It’s not clear to me what someone expects to achieve by behaving like this. However, what I know for sure is, if you treat others poorly, the person in front of you might find you insecure or unattractive.
How to avoid this, in a nutshell
Simple: treat people ridiculously well. Always. Kindness and attractiveness are best friends.
Behaving As if You Are Already Married With The Person You’re Dating or You Like
“So I thought this Saturday we could go to this event in my office. All my colleagues will be there, and I want everyone to know we’re together.” “This summer, we can plan a nice vacation to Cuba. I love that place.” This one happened to Laura, a former coworker. She was on her first date with a guy, Franco — and he already scared her off. This guy talked as if they were married and was already trying to schedule their next dates. He was extremely needy. Predictably, there was not a second date. As therapist Russell Grieger, Ph.D. explains, neediness drives you to unattractive behaviors that can eventually repulse the person you like or are dating. If you don’t address it, it can prevent you from getting to know someone and connecting with them.
How to avoid this, in a nutshell
Adopt unconditional self-acceptance. Unconditional self-acceptance means you don’t judge yourself at all; you accept yourself fully without any condition whatsoever because your self-worth is not defined or rated by anything or anyone. Sometimes, the reason why someone we like or we are dating doesn’t reciprocate our feelings is something we can’t control. Maybe they don’t like the way we talked. Or maybe we simply are not their type. Those things are out of our control. However, at other times, the reason why things don’t go too well lies in how we behave. Avoiding things like talking over the other person, treating others poorly, and bragging about our achievements, can definitely improve our attractiveness. And it’s something completely under our control. Get access to exclusive self-improvement and relationships content, subscribe to my free newsletter here. Photo: iStock
