Disclaimer: this post may contain affiliate links, which means I may receive a commission if you make a purchase using these links, at no additional cost for you. Marriages have their ups and downs. It’s not one long drawn-out honeymoon period. Tough times are inevitable. I knew that going into my marriage, but over time, I began to question if my marriage was in a natural down cycle or if my husband simply no longer valued me. It took a long time for me to face facts. Once I did, I couldn’t un-see the signs. They were everywhere. There’s a difference between going through hard times and living in a constant state of them. Hard times should eventually pass. With love and effort, you get through them. Without love and effort, relationships fall apart.
20 Signs Your Husband Doesn’t Value You
1. He Dismisses Your Opinions
My ex would take the opinion of strangers on the Internet over mine. I mean that quite literally. I had a master’s degree and was working as a therapist, and he would still believe a random man on YouTube over my lived experience or academic expertise. A husband who dismisses your opinions doesn’t value you. In fact, this list can apply to any gender, but since I was married to a man, we’ll keep it uniform. Just know that the person you marry or partner should value your opinions. They can’t value you otherwise.
2. He Makes Important Decisions Without Talking to You About Them
Husbands who don’t value their spouses will make decisions on their own. If he buys a major purchase without the first word to you, that’s not okay. Important decisions should be made together. Anything else shows that he values his own needs and opinions more than the relationship. If he doesn’t value you, you’ll see this happen in many situations. You’ll see it come into play in your finances in particular, but it could also come up with career and even education decisions. He shows you over and over again that your opinion is not a key factor in his decisions.
3. He Speaks Disrespectfully to You
This is one of the main signs your husband doesn’t value you. If he calls names, yells, or treats you with disrespect, he clearly doesn’t value you. That’s not the way you speak to someone you care about. That’s the way you speak to someone you care nothing about. Think about that. Do you want your spouse to be a person who walks all over you or who stands beside you no matter what? The answer might be obvious, but your next step might be less so. Do you want to attempt to salvage the relationship and learn better communication skills together? You can’t do it alone.
4. He Prefers Time Alone Over Time Spent with You
My ex spent more and more time alone or with friends. It seemed like he would abandon any plan that I showed interest in and elect to do something I would find unfavorable. He preferred to be alone rather than with me, and it wasn’t just some of the time. It became all the time. There’s little lonelier than being in a relationship and yet feeling completely cut off from the world. I didn’t have a huge support system, and the person I’d made promises to no longer wanted anything to do with me. It was heartbreaking at the time, but it clearly showed his priorities as well as his view of me.
5. He No Longer Shows Any Affection to You
Affection is one of the first things to go. Say goodbye to the pet names, the cute memes, and the sweet gifs. Even emojis might exit the relationship. All types of affection decrease until you wonder where it all went. It’s not just work stress or life stress. It seems to be gone for good. Not only that, but when you tell him you need more affection, he’s dismissive. He doesn’t value you, and his actions are screaming louder than words.
6. He Cheats on You
If he cheats on you, he doesn’t respect or value you. Period. The end. Any cheating for any reason is a sign he doesn’t value you. No excuse will justify it. If he valued you, he wouldn’t be sleeping with someone else.
7. He Micro-Cheats on You
Let’s take a minute to talk about the micro-cheaters. Micro-cheating happens when someone sends flirty or inappropriate messages to someone they’re interested in even though they are in a relationship with someone else. If your husband has attractive social media friends, that’s fine. If he’s talking to them about your problems, it’s not. It’s micro-cheating. Let’s be clear — there’s nothing micro about micro-cheating. It’s wrong. If he’s swinging from branch to branch assessing a backup plan for when things are over, he’s forming emotional attachments even if they aren’t getting physical. It’s still cheating on the relationship. It’s still cheating on you.
8. He Won’t Make Time for You
Does he have time for everyone and everything else but you? This is common when he no longer values you. He takes the time to do what he values doing. If you don’t make that list, the things he’s supposed to do with you will likely get crossed right off like they don’t matter. Because they don’t. To him. If he won’t make time to spend with you or talk to you, he’s not showing that he values you. This doesn’t mean he should drop everything whenever you want him to, but it is important that he find time for you in his life. Otherwise, wouldn’t you be better off alone?
9. He Breaks His Promises
A man who no longer values you will break his promises. Those vows to love, honor, and cherish? Well, those are all broken now. In sickness and in health? Those are broken, too. You wonder what the point of vows even were if he wasn’t going to follow them. The broken promises break trust in the relationship. Over time, there’s no relationship left — just a legally binding agreement you are likely tempted to dissolve. What are you staying for if all the good promises are broken?
10. He Makes Plans Without Including You
He plans things that just don’t include you. The tickets he got to the big game — he didn’t buy one for you. The concert he wanted to go to — he’s got an excuse why you can’t go. The family reunion he’s going to next weekend — that’s not for spouses. There’s always a reason you’re being left out, but that doesn’t mean they’re good ones. His plans to leave you out aren’t unintentional. You’re just not important anymore. He doesn’t feel a need to make you feel included. It’s as if he’s single even though he most certainly is not.
11. He Pays More Attention to His Phone Than He Does to You
Does he seem like he might be more committed to his phone than you? Is he jumping up to take every call and respond to every message? Or worse — does he get involved playing games or scrolling through social media. If he’s paying more attention to his phone than he does to you, he’s not showing that he values your interactions. It’s rude and disrespectful. If he wants to marry his phone, he needs to divorce you first. Otherwise, he needs to learn how to tune out technology and tune into his marriage.
12. He Doesn’t Listen When You Try to Talk to Him
When you try to have conversations with him, you know he’s not listening. He really doesn’t care what you’re saying. Sometimes, he tries to fake it. Other time, he doesn’t even try. He’s just not interested in what you have to say. This is incredibly hurtful, but it’s also a clear sign that he doesn’t value you. You’re trying to tell him something important, and he’s deep into a YouTube video about shoes. Or you want to catch him up on your day, but he’s too busy messaging his buddies. It hurts, and it’s not kind. You deserve so much better.
13. He Won’t Go to Couples’ Counseling
It’s not that he doesn’t understand the relationship is in trouble. He just doesn’t want to go to couples’ counseling. He doesn’t care if you see a counselor, but he’s just fine the way he is — or so he says. Couples’ counseling is off the table. He won’t even consider it. Nothing you say or do changes his mind because he just doesn’t value the relationship enough to try to save it.
14. He Doesn’t Miss You When You’re Away
When you go away for work or to see family, he doesn’t miss you. He doesn’t say it or act like it. It’s as if he doesn’t care if you’re there or not. The cold, hard truth is that he doesn’t care. He doesn’t value you. He doesn’t miss you when you’re gone. You can remember a time when he did, but that time is long gone.
15. He Has No Interest in Solving the Problems in the Relationship
He sees the problems in the relationship but has no interest in fixing them. He’d rather avoid them, deny them, or tell you to get over them. He isn’t going to change. Why don’t you? He doesn’t value you so why would he put work into the relationship? He’s just coasting right now — maybe even waiting to see what you’ll do. He doesn’t care to solve the problems because he doesn’t see anything worth saving.
16. He Constantly Finds Fault with You
You can’t do anything right. He constantly criticizes everything you say or do. No amount of trying is ever enough. You feel like you’re constantly letting him down. You feel like you’re just not enough anymore, and you don’t know how to be more. You’re doing everything you can and just can’t measure up to his unrealistic standards. He’s setting the bar high because he no longer values you, not because you no longer have value.
17. He Talks Badly About You to Others in His Life
He bad-mouths you to his friends, family, and colleagues. Do you notice they treat you differently now? It could be because he’s making you look bad so he can look good. He can’t exit this relationship in a good light if you look like you’re doing everything you can to save the relationship. No, he needs you to look like the problem. He needs to appear to be the man of value who was with a woman who wronged him, or his stories over the years will fall apart. He’s setting the scene, and it’s because he just doesn’t value you anymore.
18. He’s Not Interested in Intimacy with You
His desire for you used to be obvious. He was always initiating intimacy. Then, it all changed. He has a headache. He’s tired. He has to get up for work early. Excuses he would never have used in the beginning are used routinely to get out of being close to you. Lack of interest in intimacy could be medical. It could even involve his mental health. It could also be a sign that he no longer values you. It’s time to find out which one it is so you can decide what you want to do about it.
19. He Treats Everyone Better Than You
This is one of the clearest signs your husband doesn’t value you anymore. Is he great to everyone except you? That’s not okay. You’re his partner. Shouldn’t his kindness extend to you most of all? If you can see that he’s wonderful to everyone else and yet neglectful or downright mean to you, he doesn’t value you, and it’s not your fault. You are a person of value. His inability to see and appreciate it doesn’t make that any less true.
20. He Doesn’t Include You in His Future
His plans for the future are absent of you. You notice he doesn’t talk about the next holiday or next family vacation. He’s not planning to be around. At least, he’s not planning to keep you around for it. Whether he’s planning to dump you or to wait passively for you to dump him, he’s not making future plans with you in mind. He’s just biding his time and evaluating his options. He doesn’t value you, but he’s not yet ready to make that leap into the alone unknown.
What to Do if You’re Not Valued
If you’re the spouse who the other person no longer values, here are some self-care tips to help you while you decide what you want to do.
See a therapist. You don’t know how much you need one until you go. Trust me on this. You need one.Work on strengthening your self-love.Talk about your situation with an experienced relationship coach.Surround yourself with supportive friends and family.Plan friend dates to alleviate some of the loneliness you may be experiencing.Learn about attachment issues and address your own.Learn to communicate your wants and needs clearly.Build stronger relationship boundaries.Practice regular self-care.Match their effort level by downgrading your own.Begin to focus on your relationship with YOU, rather than on your relationship with them.
Final Thoughts
You deserve to be loved, valued, and appreciated. The person in your life should feel lucky that they get to be there, and you should feel lucky, too. Otherwise, you could just be alone if you’re going to feel lonely anyway. I hope you find the strength you need to do the thing you know you should do next. Whether that’s fighting for your relationship or saying goodbye, I wish you healing, happiness, and a love that doesn’t ever make you doubt your intrinsic worth. Recommended read: 5 Signs He Actually, Genuinely Loves You Photo by Rowan Kyle on Unsplash
